The Fake Queen

The Fake Queen

I made myself look like a queen so they wouldn't know i was just a girl looking to be loved

Cum sa spun eu 

all girls wanna be a princess but they cut themselves short

"Better alone than hurt honey"

-the lost queen 

Ceva gen

I break hearts in fake relationships so mine stays immortal  

Daddy issues

major ones

Somewhere in between where I am and where I want to be ...

starchild 

Miss Havisham knew wassap

IF i wear it right I'll fool them

i'll fool them all 

Toxic relationships

sound familiar eh? 

Now I ain’t talkin’ strictly romance here 

friends

family

they’re all included within the land of interactive toxicity 

 

what’s the deal with that though? 

well

today’s new headline is:

 

the inability to let go of toxic people

 

why is that so fucking hard though?

I swear 

it’s like leaving a part of you behind 

cutting them off

means cutting yourself off 

 

but ok, 

let’s take some steps back and re-hatch our toxic contestants:

 

one

you have the relationship-significant-other ones 

like

that ex you keep going back to or person back home you keep thinking about

but every single time, 

they’ve stepped all over you 

never appreciated you 

never really saw you 

tried controlling you 

used you 

but honey 

let me tell you this

you gave them a thread

and they gave you back a knot

 and yet you still came back wanting more

why? 

you went in with an open heart 

tried surprising them 

you even changed yourself for them 

be the perfect fit for them

but

even perfect jeans are thrown out when worn out 

 

Two

These ones are trickier because 

Without realizing it

You're the toxic one

Stringing a poor soul along 

Where you're with them 

But not w i t h them 

Where you distance yourself 

And you keep making them wonder "why"

you're hot and cold with them

To keep em on their feet 

You let them go

Then call right back 

You open up

Then close right back up 

You flirt and mingle with others because you can't help but feel "trapped" with them and you don't know why 

But you can't let go either 

And just like an addict 

You keep sucking more and more and more 

Until there's nothing left anymore 

Neither of you, neither of them

And that's when you know

"i'm the toxic one”

 

But sometimes

Maybe it's not about the wrong people

Maybe it's about the right ones

Sometimes you find the right guy or girl or partner or friend 

They're the o n e 

Who get you on every level 

Who are loyal and filled with love

Who you just c l i c k with, in an instant 

But 

You sabotage yourself 

Because deep down

Down where little you was littler than ever

Doesn't feel worthy 

Or maybe you want to suffer

Because only that way, can you f e e l something so intensely 

Or maybe because you think you were destined to be alone 

That that's your cause, your path 

Or maybe you're more comfortable being alone 

And that's when you know 

"Fear is toxic"

 

three

family 

like the mother or father that doesn’t trust you 

or you don’t trust them 

and you can’t be completely open because you’re scared of how they might react 

and you need them by your side 

you need them as close as possible 

as close a mom and dad can be 

but it can’t happen

not for you 

where you call and call 

and no one picks up the phone 

“where are you now?”

where you say you don’t care 

nah I’m fine

but you and I both know

you’re not fine

not really 

and that’s ok

you wish you were closer 

that you felt more loved 

more accepted 

more involved 

more invited into their lives 

 

four 

toxic friends 

like the ones that don’t really care much about you or your day 

where a simple

“how are you?”

doesn’t cross their mind in asking 

where they expect you to listen to all their stories and be there for them at all times

but when you need it 

nope can’t do 

and those wounds cut deep 

and you still don’t leave 

you say fuck it and stay

but then they start making aggressive comments 

perhaps jealousy? insecurities? they take them out on you 

and you take it 

you sit there and take it because you’re not an aggressive soul 

and you still don’t leave 

you try reaching out more

“hey let’s talk”

thinking you did something unbearably wrong 

but they don’t meet you halfway 

and you still stay 

why? 

 

I get it,

because you’re close

because once they were family

whatever family means 

 

but the real reason …

the real reason is because we all like to self-sabotage 

so we go after people

or we choose them accordingly

subconsciously of course 

to fulfill our masochistic tendencies

to fulfill this fake noble subconscious phenomena that we must suffer for a greater good 

that we don’t deserve to be happy 

so we’ll sacrifice ourselves

that we’re not good enough to be happy 

so we’ll sacrifice ourselves 

 

and those tendencies, 

most of them come from our broken relationships 

or once broken

with our parents 

 

our subconscious gets traumatized 

because once upon a time ago 

when you were little

someone

someone very close to you 

made you feel very small 

so small the Earth could break in two and you’d just slither away and never be heard off again 

you had a heart filled with love 

and you were ready to offer it 

and you did

but that someone dropped it on the floor

not intentionally of course 

 

so then you got cold 

you became ice  

a soul once made in fire

dried out in cold water

because you needed your walls 

and shields 

and protections 

because you couldn’t let your little heart 

be dropped once more

 

so then you thought 

“better get hurt on my own terms then do so blindly” 

not consciously of course 

so you ignited toxic interaction after toxic interaction 

and got further away from your family

or someone in your family 

without realizing it 

to honor your vow 

 

and that’s ok

but it’s time you wake up and lick your wounds 

because you are deserving